“But on a purely philosophical level, we have always experienced
darkness and bleakness and pain and angst. Anyone who’s lost a loved one will
tell you this; anyone who’s had a chronic illness or been physically victimized
will tell you this; any good Buddhist will tell you this. Life is change and entropy
and upheaval and suffering, and then we die, and ultimately there is no reason.
We have no idea why we’re here nor can we, but it’s in the struggle that
meaning emerges.”
- Matt Sammet
It’s been a while…
the four most used words of any tardy blogger…
But it’s been a rough couple of months since I last posted –
much of which was spent in the hospital nearly dead, or close enough to wish I were. The Graft Vs. Host Disease came on fast and unexpected, like a
rogue wave quickly carrying me away into a sea of suffering. The weeks in the
hospital faded into a single feverish dream exacerbated by a morphine pump to
ease the pain which flooded my bones and body. My skin turned red and burned
like hell… then it blistered and sluffed off for days on end before turning red
again and repeating the same torturous cycle over and over for weeks. The
steroids used to treat the GVHD eventually overcame, but in turn sparked a
rapid growth in the cancer roaming my bone-marrow. Back to the chemo I go. My
last chance seems to be a Phase 2 Study involving a new type of
radio-immunotherapy treatment (followed by an allogenic stem-cell transplant)
being conducted at Fred Hutchitson Cancer Center in Seattle. Getting onto these
trial studies is difficult with insurance and protocols, but I’m moving forward
with it and with a bit of luck will be moving out to Seattle in a couple of
weeks. If all goes well I’ll be out there for three months and done with cancer
stuff. Wish me luck.
In the meantime I’ve submitted myself to hopefulness and
feel resigned to whatever conclusion occurs. Being hopeful (I have to be) I
have spent a lot of time looking over the atlas plotting epic rock climbing
road-trips, writing down tick-lists of
routes I want to climb around the country – I’ve been waiting since September,
2011 and I’m feeling very, VERY ready.
I’ve also drafted plans and begun construction on an awesome
garage gym in a little house my folks own/rent in old town, (and where I intend
on living myself when this is over… I’m thinking about building a little half-pipe/pool
feature in the backyard as well – I’ve been skateboarding in the closest for
years). Obviously I’m very eager to get through this and to begin healing and
eventually training again. The only thing I have managed to do the past seven
months is survive and train finger strength on the hangboard, so hopefully that
along with my ridiculously low weight, muscle memory, and time spent on a steep home wall will result in a relatively fast return to base-level 5.10
fitness. I’m jones’n for the mountains and cant wait to begin hiking and
eventually trail-running again. Goddamn! It’s been a long road I’m walking…
it’s taught me patience and discipline while allowing for a totally new
perspective and appreciation for life. I’d do well not to forget it.
55 degree wall + campus board / systems board / roof cracks
Otherwise I’ve been obsessively collecting guidebooks to
famous and obscure crags around the country and have outfitted my truck with a
topper, cot, and 10 gallon water jug. Live = driving around from crag to crag
for a couple years climbing thousands of fun, easy, classic and obscure routes
– or die. Simple.
I’ve also obsessively been collecting Polish Pottery.
And reading A LOT OF BOOKS – maybe I should try writing some
book reviews here on the blog? I want to be a writer when I grow up. Once upon
a time I had a good job that I liked, and security. Once upon a time I moved to
the highest town in North America to attend college. I skied nearly 100
days a season, learned how to climb on choss, spent weeks on end in the
wilderness, met some of the finest people I’ve ever known, and drank way too
much way too often. I learned a lot about myself, my strengths and my
weaknesses…
A copy of the original 78 edition
I haven’t worked or gone to school in nearly a year and a
half – to think I was falling behind and going nowhere before this all happened!
A year or two spent healing (mentally/emotionally/physically) is definitely
called for. But what then? So many things have changed and I’ve learned so much
more about myself. I know now that I want the opportunity to amount to
something – to be a positive force in this world and to help others, be a
positive influence in my community, protect the places I love, and maybe leave
this world (or a very small part of it) as beautiful or slightly more so than I
found it. What more can anyone hope for? Who’d dare wish for more?
